a small thought and a long entry

when we first heard the news and read it over the weekend, i was not as shocked nor saddenned as i had over the first one back in 2002.

which was slightly disturbing. almost like its a fact of life, that some time some where in some place which they deem to be of high risk, a man is willing to blow himself up. like what they said about 7/7, that it was bound to happen.

what actually disturbed me more over the weekend while watching cna, was a feature of the trials over the 0ct2002 incident.

it was disturbing and sickening to see the preprators of the 2002 incident, beaming and grinning as they were tried in court, so proud over their actions.

it was strange tho that since they were so desperate for matrydom and an express ride to paradise, they are appealing to overturn the death by firing squad sentence to a term of life imprisonment.

the only thing i can deduce from watching the trials, must be that those guys must think that their faith to be the most pure. and the most absolute.

which is a thought.

how can one be 100% sure of one's faith. how can one be sure it is at the 100% mark, 100% of the time? the holiest of the holiest?

i have faith, but i know mine wavers. i have faith but my ibadah is weak. and if i do pray regulary, doesnt it take just one slip of an action or sentence or a word, and the husband/wife/mother/father or whoever says 'you pray regularly but you do/say such things?...where is your iman?' have you not witnessed this before?

the difference between the more pious, religous and the holiest of the holiest and me, is that perhaps he/she puts in more effort to improve his faith.

i am more often neglecftul. i am the weak but i do try. so you can see, i swing between wanting to be the good girl, the girl who once while staying in the hall,asked her friend to wait while she finished her isyak before they go off to zouk, and the girl who still wants to wear the sleeveless top when the weather gets too hot. its a contradiction. and i am aware of my weakness. that thought that i was born into it, will grow old with it, and that there is time to ammend. the thought that explicit actions do not matter as much as what is in the heart. of course there are failings to these thoughts. but its something personal for me to work on..the holiest of the holiest may not be able to help me if i cant help myself.

when i was younger, less corrupted, having a life with lesser temptations, i used to think that phrase 'my faith is between me and my god' was misused as an excuse for neglectful behaviour..but there is some sense to that..

as one wise man once said..

"An appropriate approach to this issue would be to believe that the decision as to who will go to Paradise and who will not is something only Allah knows. He is just and His mercy is boundless. He is the one who will judge who has the true faith and who does not and He is the one who will judge the acts of each one of us and will decide our fate. We mortal human beings cannot and should not play God"

so back to that feature on cna, the men on trial, must have had that sense of 100% certainty of their faith, something so blinding that they were resolved to do something we deemed so heinous..something sadly which to me look like turning what could have perhaps be 100% in them to almost 0%..